Holding Space for Fire & Other Things: A Reflection of Rage

Lord help us.

Trigger Warning: I will be writing about trauma, Orientalism, patriarchy, and the objectification of women. Also, I might swear.

I was eight years old when my best friend at the time said, “My grandma hates you and your whole family because you’re Asian.” I don’t remember what I said, but I’m sure I either laughed it off or changed the subject.

If I had a dime for every time I held space for whiteness at my own expense...

I was twelve years old when I learned that “some boys really like Asian chicks,” but not the ones that were too fresh off the boat, or who smelled weird. I made a mental note of all of this, and went immediately to the mall to buy Love Spell perfume.

I was fifteen when I was told that I was part of a triad of other Southeast Asian girls that “boys with yellow fever liked” and that they would often just “rotate between liking each of us.”

Jenn Fang does an excellent job of defining Orientalism so I urge you to read her post if you’re unfamiliar with the term, but I’ll quote one of her key points here:

Orientalism is the cultural framework against which tangible racism is practiced against Asian people in the West. In America, when Chinese coolies are lynched, the act is justified by the perception of Chinese men as physically weak, economically invasive, and culturally barbaric. When Japanese Americans are interned, the act is justified by the belief that these citizens are innately un-American and perpetually foreign. 

When Asian and Asian American women are brutally raped, the act is justified by the assertion that the sexuality of Asian women invites deviancy. When Ronald Ebens and Michael Nitz beat Vincent Chin to death, the act is justified by the conflation of Chinese and Japanese as the faceless ‘Other’.

I experienced Orientalism long before I knew the term for it.

Maybe all those seemingly isolated childhood traumas have been stretching themselves for some time, maybe not, but something today just snapped.

The Atlanta spa shootings are some of many recent acts of violence toward the Asian-American Pacific-Islander (AAPI) community that have taken place over the past year, so why is this hitting me like this, now? Where to begin?

Let us start with the bullshit news coverage. I’ve read article upon article today spending 75% of their real estate dissecting Robert Long’s motivations: he said it wasn’t racism, it was his sex addiction, maybe he was ‘lashing out.’ The other 25%? Some speculation about his plans to target additional spa locations, and finally some notes at the end about his victims’ names and some witness accounts. Where is their legacy? Where are the details about their families, their contributions to the community, their stories?

In other words, a human being with complex motivations, thoughts, and backstory murdered his “temptations.”

These are the names of the human beings who were murdered: Delaina Ashley Yaun, 33. Paul Andre Michels, 54. Xiaojie Tan, 49. Daoyou Feng, 44. I don't know much more about them, sadly. I wish I did.

I am so tired of Asian trauma being trivialized, dismissed, and ignored. Actor Steven Yeun of Minari was recently quoted saying “Sometimes I wonder if the Asian-American experience is what it’s like when you’re thinking about everyone else, but nobody else is thinking about you.”

I feel this to my core. I have been at times paralyzed by what I’m going to say to a group of people (especially a group of white men) for fear of getting it wrong, of sounding stupid, of being too “cute” to be taken seriously, and being ignored. After years of trying to unlearn my own internalized sexism, I’m getting a little better at this every day. And some days, I just think of all the women I’ve known and go for it, because I know they have my back in that cosmic sisterhood way that women do. But some days, I just get so tired and mad I want to light the whole room on fire. (See blog post title)

Great segue into patriarchy! The gunman told the police that he had a “sexual addiction” and had carried out the shootings at the massage parlors to eliminate his “temptation.”

How much space do I have here? (And emotional bandwidth?)

The objectification of women isn’t new, and neither is the objectification of Asian women, but can we talk for a moment about purity culture and the objectification of women in the church?

Robert Long was a baptized member of an SBC church. Listen church: how you teach about sexuality matters. How you teach about gender roles matters. How you talk about women as temptations and indirectly blame them for lust, abuse, and assault matters. In Rachel Denhollander’s words:

This is happening in your pulpits, in your seminaries, in your counseling programs. It is in your marriage books, your books on womanhood and manhood, it is in your counseling sessions. It is in your purity books and discussions. It is in your social media...

We have been pleading with you and begging you to see and hear what you are really communicating and the very real dangers it poses to women - the way it enables and minimizes abuse, and even encourages violence in unhinged people who take your positions to extreme conclusions.

Let’s marinate in all of that for a moment. And I’ll take this a step further.

Have you considered how “complementarian” theology contributes to this objectification? As someone who used to be a complementarian — more accurately, patriarchal hierarchist — (sorry we don’t have time to get into definitions right now, I’m too busy lighting the room on fire, remember? More to come soon, I promise. And also, do I owe you anything? Sorry. Ah! Can’t stop saying sorry even in this post about recovering from the habit of always accommodating always always)

 Anyway, as someone who used to believe that male leadership was commanded in the Bible, and who now believes that God’s design was actually for men and women to care for Creation and work, play, and love as total equals, I’d like to connect a couple dots here.

A theology that believes that women were designed primarily as supports to prop up men’s leadership, goals, and desires must, by design, objectify women. In other words, if your basis for understanding gender roles is that women were created solely to benefit men, then there is no need for women to be people. With this lens, women are only valuable to the Kingdom insofar as they serve men and their needs. I know, there’s a bunch of other language I’m supposed to include here, like it’s just like a toolbox, where men are hammers and women are wrenches, and they’re just designed for different things or there’s a blessing in being submissive, etc etc etc etc (another post to come, I’m not doing this justice right now I know I know) but after years of studying this and talking about this, I've concluded that these are just nice things to say to make women feel better about being objects. 

Guess what? I don’t think God designed us to be objects. I think God designed us to be people. And I think Adam confirms this when he says “Bone of my bone! Flesh of my flesh!” but again, we’ll save that for another post.

Complementarian theology inherently objectifies women.

So it should be no surprise when there are issues of pornography, sexual addiction, and abuse in the church — especially churches that preach male headship as a Biblical mandate.

And there should be no surprise when someone is baptized, learns about women as “temptations”, then decides to “eliminate the temptations” by killing them. Especially when all of this is seasoned with racism and Orientalism and the fetishization of Asian women. (See above)

What now?

Stop killing Asian people. Stop killing Black people. Stop promoting theologies that oppress instead of liberate, love, and honor. Is that too much to ask for? And if so, please leave your comment of disagreement in a couple days — I need some space. This fire is warm, and I like it.